I haven’t been on here in a while but I just have to vent somewhere cause I don’t want to talk to anyone about it and I don’t want anyone’s sympathy. I just need to vent.

I have been so depressed lately; so unbelievably down on myself about everything. My main source of depression being track. My body can’t take it anymore and I hate myself and my body and all the fucking issues with it. I have a fast-paced degenerating back on top of bad scoliosis. I’m so self-conscious of my body because of my back. I look at myself and see a freak of nature staring back. My left hip is so much higher than my right, my left rib juts out while you don’t see my right, my left side curves in dramatically while the right side of my torso just goes straight down. I have absolutely no definition in my abs no matter how many ab workouts I do, and everything from my upper back down is off alignment. But worst of all, is that it all hurts. I can’t sit without it hurting, stand without it hurting and it’s not even a dull pain. It’s constant and excruciating. I just want to take a million pain killers and just lay down until I don’t feel anything anywhere. Everyone has been PRing in track except for me. I’m happy for them all but at the same time, I’m so jealous. I’ve been getting 1-2 seconds worse than what I usually should be getting and that’s pretty significant for a sprinter. I hate watching my body fail like this while everyone else just gets better. It’s so discouraging. My coach hasn’t spoken more than a few words to me in the past month when he realized just how bad I’ve gotten. I don’t want to do it anymore and as of right now, I don’t want to do it next year either. My coach is a gigantic asshole who doesn’t care about anything but winning and a few select runners, and I don’t want to experience this pain and non stop complaining for another entire season. My legs are completely swollen, I limp everywhere especially after I run even if I’m jogging a lap around the track, my shins are on fire and every time I run I give myself running-induced bruises that hurt and don’t go away for a few hours and frankly, I’m just tired of it all. Running used to be my salvation, one of the only things that made me happy, but now it just makes me so sad to see that I can’t even do it anymore without tearing my whole body apart.

I just got really sad all of a sudden. Like I want to cut myself kind of sad. That hasn’t happened for a while now, but it just came on all of a sudden and I’m not really sure why. I feel really lonely and like everyone secretly hates me and I don’t know what to do with myself. Just gonna sleep it off or something and hope this goes away.

Wow, I haven’t posted in FOREVER and lost like 20 followers but I don’t even care. I have been way too busy and just been really enjoying myself. Life has been really stressful with track and running a preschool but my social life is at an all time high so I am not even complaining.